Thu, Jul 22, 2010

THE COMMITMENT VIRUS

Have you ever asked yourself this question: Why is it so difficult for two genuine people to cross paths? Finding a good man or woman is like looking for a needle in a haystack.  From all articles read, books written about solutions to finding your “soul mate” has there honestly been one to find a cure to this widespread virus that is infecting the majority of men and women? A virus that is slowly killing our hopes of finding love…. The “Commitment Virus”.  It seems that in our generation relationship, marriage is like the plague... We are losing not only the real truth of what it means to be in a committed relationship but are losing our sense of values and traditions. We find ourselves living the Flavor Flave or I love New York nightmare reality show and this crisis is leading me to write this. I thought it was about time that we unite as one and not as MEN vs. WOMEN to find a cure to this virus that is killing not only men and women but a virus that is killing our cultures as well. Chivalry may be dead but still …. You know the saying “ladies first”!

Ladies, are we so desperate in finding a man we settle not even for second best but we settle for LESS?  Why is it becoming such an obsession to build a family at any cost? I have heard it time and time again: “my biological clock is ticking”; I don’t have time to wait for the one. Besides, I don’t need to be in love to build a family.  I can make it work.”  WRONG ladies! This is precisely why men go astray.  How much longer can you prolong this illusion of creating the perfect family?  I don’t dismiss the biological factor however, is it worth the migraine? We manipulate men into believing what isn’t real for our own selfish purposes.  Imagine the scenario…. You have the perfect expensive marriage ceremony you’ve always dreamt of and a few years and kids later, things begin to fall apart.  He is losing interest in you and so begins the screaming match.  Communication is nonexistent and I won’t even mention intimacy because he’s too busy satisfying his mistress or the lucky girl of the night.  But yet you wonder why your marriage failed! You were the only dedicated party in this union.  Another perfect example: My friend Denise thought she found the man of her dreams (even with his lazy and unemployed background!)  She tells me: “I can change him; it’s a working progress”.  I looked at her and thought “girl you must be crazy!”  For fear of shattering her dreams or being told that I’m jealous of her happiness I refrained from expressing my thoughts. After 3 years of marriage and being fired from job to job due to laziness, tardiness and calling in sick because his car won’t start up she is now struggling with him and wishes she never married.  A brother I know tells his pregnant wife whom is going through a difficult pregnancy and is put on bed rest by the doctor “why don’t you go out and get a part-time job” when she asked him if it was possible to seek a part-time weekend job to save money for the babies’ birth. Tell me ladies is it really worth it?  Is it worth dating a man with children each by different a woman just for the sake of loneliness.  “Jasmine” an intelligent beautiful woman with a well paying job AND a Master’s Degree is dating a man with 3 kids each conceived by different women.  She finds herself barely paying her bills. Why you wonder? Because my dear friend is too busy lending her boyfriend money to pay for child support to his 3 baby mamas!! Not to mention myself dating a guy whom under different circumstances had I been sane and not desperate at the time would have NEVER given the time of day to the last guy I dated.  Through my experience I’ve learned that “opposites do NOT always attract.”

Ladies we must recognize when we are at fault.  Because of loneliness and sometimes desperation we do not always make the best decisions and therefore we create these monstrosities. Patience and research are key to finding the man that you want.  Another piece of advice girls, keep your problems in house. Think of what you decide to discuss before you decide to air your laundry to those who would give their lives to have what you hold. And you know the kind of friends I’m referring to.  You may want to clean up that closet as well! Coercing a man into wedding bliss will only lead to misery and disappointment.  This is not about playing the blame game girls but this is to help us analyze our actions. Before you welcome the next guy that “seems too good to be true” (in most cases you later on discover the split personality within him) think of what the consequences would be in the long run. We all deserve love, happiness and most importantly respect which is essential for a loving relationship.

And now, my fellow man!  I know this may be a touchy subject but please just consider what I say before getting defensive. What is so wrong committing yourself to one woman?  I asked a few of my male friends why the commitment issue and their response? Some say they are too busy to commit to someone because they could not financially nor emotionally provide to a woman’s needs.  Others are so burned and ironically so bitter that they don’t even want to hear the word woman (Sound familiar ladies?)  Another question:  Why is it so many men are having children out of wedlock? Gentlemen has it ever occurred to you getting to know a woman before the involvement?   I know that many of you are going through hell in your marriage and blame the female species for your woes.  Has it ever occurred to you that perhaps she wasn’t the one. I am sorry to acknowledge there are just as many bad, vicious women in the world looking for the next great guy to take cater to their every whim. Before you decide to be intimate with this person make sure you strap twice.  Always have your own condom because we certainly wouldn’t want to find out that the condom she gave you was tempered with which at the end results in the “surprising pregnancy”. Get my drift guys?  To the few good men out there do not think that all women sit and judge you just because you find yourselves in a situation.  Not all women are scheme to obtain what they want.  Some women are sympathetic to your sorrows and pain.  So, don’t fear that all women will hurt you just because you had to deal with a vengeful, vindictive woman that you were or are involved with.  It may be difficult to find the person the Lord ahs saved for you but it is not impossible.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Is this the legacy we are forging for the next generation?  That it’s ok to settle when you can’t find a man or that fathering kids with different women is acceptable?  If we were meant to walk this earth in solitude then would God have created Eve as his companion? Ladies ask yourselves that questions when solace and desperation finds way into your hearts.  Men, the same issue… just because she seems nice does not mean she’s the one.  Remember, a lot of women are experts at seeming like the perfect wife.  Know this person before you say yes: get to know the family, friends, their habits.  Otherwise you may regret like several I know living a loveless and bitter marriage.

Karine St. Juste

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